We're All in This Together
If you've seen the Disney movie, High School Musical, you probably know this catchy tune complete with it's own dance moves. It would have been the perfect theme song for a conversation I had at a friend's 4th of July picnic. As tends to happen at these events, someone asked the proverbial "so what do you do?" question. You know the one . . . it makes women who are at home with their children cringe in anticipation of the "oh that's nice" followed by what I like to call the walk-away (that's when the person roams off to get a drink or say hi to someone else). If you're a mom with a career outside the home, this is the perfect opportunity to talk about all of the important things you do besides change diapers or wipe up mac and cheese spills. Whew, validation.
Answering the "what do you do" question is always pretty interesting for me because I hold the unique distinction of having two unpaid jobs - stay at home mom and founder of a grassroots parents' organization. The only mommy war I've really experienced is the one that goes on sometimes inside my own head (should I stop to play a game of Chutes & Ladders or answer all those e-mails that have been piling up?). But, after sharing more about my parent advocacy work with folks at that picnic, I found myself falling off the fence and onto the battlefield that people like and have been writing so passionately about.
A 70-year-old mother and grandmother started talking about how she didn't go to work until her children were older and how her husband worked two jobs to support the family and make it possible for her to be at home. She then proceeded to criticize mothers of today who work outside the home in order to keep up with the Jones' and have nice cars, buy IPods for their kids, etc. O.k. while I don't personally know any of these people, there are probably a few out there. But, I can safely say they would be the exception, not the rule. At any rate, in this one mother's opinion, it would be possible for all of us to stay at home with our children if only we could forgo the luxuries of 21st century living.
As I listened politely to her views, I felt a strong rebuttal coming on. I could have shared the statistics about how many mothers are in the workforce in order to afford basic necessities like food and shelter for their families or the facts about how many of us who stay at home while our children are young end up impoverished in our aging years. However, I decided not to enlist in the war of words that could have easily ensued.
The simple truth is that whatever work we do as parents - whether it's in the home or in the paid labor market - it is important and deserves to be valued. And when all of us can come together to make sure we each have what it takes to do our jobs well, everyone will be a winner.
2 Comments:
Rhonda, you showed remarkable forebearance with the 70-year old women. I would not have been able to hold my tongue. "It's not about nice cars and iPods," I'd have said, "It's about college and our retirement! Did your husband get a pension from his business? Folks did in your day. How much did college cost for your kids? Probably less for 4 years than it costs for one now."
I couldn't have helped myself. I might have had to point out that it was hardly fair to her husband to be working so much that he had little time with his kids so that she could have more. And I might have gone on to point out that with the minimum wage having been the same for a decade, that there are some folks working 40 hours a week and still below the poverty line.
I agree, we need to all work together to help working families around this country. But you need to have the conversation with folks like that woman, because we need all the help we can get. And she needs to be educated on the realities of today's society. It's just not like it was "in her day."
You are absolutely right that a conversation with that mom would have been a good thing. But, unfortunately it just wasn't the right setting. I will definitely keep all of your wonderful points in mind for future dialogue.
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